I started taking testosterone IM injections on March 4th 2019, this week after the entire 5 weeks, changes are minimal, but I have noticed a few things are different and all positive.

I had alot of hopes going in that HRT would fix alot of medical and mental health issues. So far I feel amazing and have yet to feel full relief from the list of issues. The most tiresome being my period. Which did return the first month. It returned a bit early March 20th. The mood swing was terrible. It happedha the week of my 4th dose which was short almost a 0.10 ml so I only got half of a dose that week. I’m thinking is it wasn’t enough to keep my period away. I notified my doctor and she perscribed my two 1ml vials a mouth of The and wrote in that I can up my own dose any where from 0.2-0.5 ml . The schedule is the lowest dose for the first three months then up to 0.5 by 6 months. 0.5 being the standard dose. I’m planning on staying on the low end so I don’t get the changes happening too fast.

I’m concerned that if I have to back off how that effects my medical problems with my hormone producing brain tumor, although small it causes me all kinds of fun symptoms that no other Medication can fix. T brings my prolactin down and hopefully will suppress the very frequent long periods and possibly the PMS mood swings. For this reason I’m going to be getting a hysterectomy when the weather is cooler in Tucson AZ where the clinic it. Hopefully in about 6 months time. I talked to the doctor and my insurance will cover it.

I’m also considering top surgery to remove the milk glands with will most definitely stop any need for rasied Prolactin levels. In the mean time testosterone dose surpress Prolactin levels so that eliminates the likely hood of rasied Prolactin for the time being.

At my visit with the endrocronologist this month in April 2nd. He seemed to agree with me but didn’t say much about the effects or risks of testosterone on brain Andenomas. He just asked how will I know if the HRT is masking the symptoms if it becomes and issue. However I brought in my MRI results that showed I did in fact have a brain andenoma, the recommendation is to have an MRI every few years to check in it’s stability. So that means we just continue as planned. He said that the Andenoma was only 1.4 mm being very small, so there is a likely hood that it may have shrunk or even disappeared.

So wait there are more physical issues that the T is helping me with, I have chronic neck pain that is from loose ligaments in my neck that are allowing one of my vertabare to slip forward and rub on the one below. I had a Doctor at the NCNM clinic in Portland Oregon recommend that I get stem cell injections in my neck to restore my ligament strength. Then I discovered something interesting about testosterone and stem cells.

Me good at being and over achiever at under achieveing. Aspiring to stability, and being pain free.
So I exceeded my workout goals for the month, I was going for 3 days a week (yes I keep a log) and a journal and a note pad for lists. 15 days! Whoo hoo.
that is also because of chronic neck pain.
I do daily posture meditation. And yoga and more push-ups 5 different kinds and more arm and neck exercises. It all takes like an hour.
I haven’t even been to the physical therapist yet for the training yet. That’s on April 17th.
And I’ve been doing this for a year now.
“Testosterone induces skeletal muscle hypertrophy by multiple mechanisms, including its effects in modulating the commitment of pluripotent mesenchymal cells.” Hello stem cells!

What does it mean to be you?

I have been having a lot of people comment saying “just be you” but what does that really mean, really. What does it mean to be me? I posted about an article about #childist and raising “theybies” this is what I said pretainting to my prespective;Humm…I definitely was a non-binary kid and what I can say about the reactions I got from adults and peers was basically “I should feel guilty and ashamed of my self” and that I was essentially making my life harder for myself, the truth of that is what made life unbearable was trying to worry about what other people thought who were worried about what other people thought, which is true insanity! And I turned myself into a people pleaser. And so people who I thought loved me, didn’t even ever know me, because I failed to exist. It’s been a hard transition for the people closest to me to find out I haven’t been me for many years, and see me grow. So fuck making your kid fit in. Im truly sick of being ashamed of my past when I was just myself. It’s really not a threat. It never was.

I have been slowly coming out as myself. After I figured out I was queer, and most definitely romantic encounters and crushes on the females as well as Ftm people and MtF and my spouse of 16 years who goes by they/them is non-binary and was AMAB (assigned male at birth), and is the baby daddy of our biological children we both live with on our bus. this is how I figured out I am Pansexual.

So me being me is allowing my self to claim an live my Pansexuality!

So that’s not all, being Pansexual only is about my sexuality and not at all about my gender…I have to say this because there is often confusion about sexuality and gender as being realted to eachoteach but they simply not the same thing …..AFAB (assigned female at birth), Transgender, (intersex me personally having an intersex parent, which is biological) and finally genderqueer

So how is it that I am Ftm transgender and genderqueer. Well that leads us to how I choose the pronouns that I feel most comfortable with, we is they/ them and beyond that I most prefer for people to just simply use my choose name, Andie when referring to me. I have most recently been called “brother” however I prefer not to take sides and ask to be called “sibling” it’s just less trying in general and I don’t honestly feel comfortable with the roles that I get grouped into when siding with female or male.

So how is it that I am Ftm ? Which means yes I have been transitioning from female to male it is the process from getting away from my perviouly assigned gender, female. Where I have certainly spent enough time, I need more experiences as male to be more in the middle to truly experience my gender expression. I may stop my HRT therapy at some point where I feel I need to and possibly go back to it. I am very interested and excited in my personal experience as myself where I don’t give myself over to others judgements, critisms, uneducated and or missinformed opinions.

To be myself is a test of strength and self love. The deeper I dig the more I reveal about who am I, and that includes being in a place of self acceptence. This transition isn’t all hormones, dysphoria, pronouns, labels, and presentation. The work is the most important to my person, the internal work is work and it’s been intense. And to truly be in myself as a healthy happy individual is the main goal. Then I can and am being an example to other peoples as how to be you.

Mondays with always be T day for me! The first Monday of my very first testosterone shot was exciting and frustrating.

That morning we had to pick of my medication from the pharmacy, required at my appointment with the nurse at the El Rio clinic for T-teaching. Medication in hand on time it’s noon I get to the front desk to find out that I have to wait till 1:30pm because unknowing my Consultation for my IUD was scheduled before T-teaching. So I go over to midwives chat about IUDs and get scheduled for a Uterine ultrasound to check on it’s health because I have very heavy 12 day periods not the average. it’s about 1:15 by the time I get back up to the front desk to check in for T-teaching, buy they say instead I am scheduled for a retna scan???? Finally after running about the clinic up and down stairs, and having to out myself by making an announcement that I am not here for a retna scan I am here for testosterone teaching, at more than one desk. Finally I go back to the front desk and we get the manager on the phone, they correct the mistake they made, ask me if I have my medication which at this point I have been blantly pointing out that I am hold a bag with testosterone in it and I need help from the nurse at my primary care to help me use it…arg…why is this like an argument, I felt like was on trial ad this was the part where I faced the part where I was begging for mercy that I was not lying I have an appointment and I have all intentions to give myself testosterone shots, and I must to this today. After the said I could go out outside the primary care door I giggled to my self as I bounced up the stairs. They use my self choosen name when call me back to be seen, which always makes me smile, and I hardly get to use my name. Which is very awkward because I have to wait for people around me to first accept that I changed my name and that I’m trans and then do thier best while practicing.

So I finally get back to wait in the nurse in the room, see gets back there takes my vitals and it time. I am nervous 😨 the shot will hurt more because I’ve never done it but I have to leave here feeling confident I can do it or the whole thing is a bust.

I exclaimed to her the trouble the pharmacist gave me about the dose she confirmed that I am starting on the lowest dose for FtM at 0.2 and that there was 5 doses in a 200mg bottle. So 5 weeks worth.

Next came my concern about the size of the suringe because they are huge, the needle was a 22 gaudge at 1 1/2″ long. I had been researching needles size and gaudge on the way in the bus and determined for myself that this was not gauge and length of needle for my body wieght of 120 lbs. I didn’t know what gaudge but at the very least I know that 1″ needle was more appropriate for my body weight.

The nurse laughed at bit 😂 because she already knew as I was showing her the suringe and needle combo I was given was for the medical draw from the bottle and they we would be switching needles to the 1″ 23 gaudge.

At that point it was time to learn how to draw up the Testosterone into the suringe. Everything was going to fine, I measured out the 2ml of air to replace the space where the T will was that I’m taking out of the bottle. Then after the air was out I pulled the tip on the needle down into the T then a pulled it into the suringe air and T to about the 4ml mark, then I push the air out a flicked the bottle and suringe for air bubbles and pushed up to the 2ml line. Next I had to chscha the needle from the 22″ to the 23″. This was when we found out that the lock on the suringe was slipy and so I lost almost .5 ml of my first dose when I tried changing the needle.

Needle all changed it was go time I located the spot on my butt that I had previously picked out on the upper quadrant of my right butt cheek, getting her okay, used and alcohol pad to coeac the area. She stopped me a said to pull the skin tight and not let go until after I pull the needle back out so I don’t injury myself or cause pain.

I was ready got in position found the spot and held the skin tight with my other hand. The needle went in easily no pushing no pain and I push the 2ml T in, all the way in and pulled out the needle. All done 👍. Easy really and feeling full of confidence in my self and my future and all my 💓 for myself, I pulled up my pants.

How did I feel, how do I feel. No one asked me. I mean come on you want to know right???

This is how I felt; warm in the legs at first and then this….I case y’all where wondering how it feels, how I feel. This far, my mind has entered into calmer than ever, in a place where I can get a ride to the airport on the 4th floor of the library of the Congress of my higher self, that I felt slip into my body as I walked down the street on Monday, and I just leaned back into it naturally.

I wanted to say something about “passing”. I came across another person’s post on Instagram saying “passing is a privilege”

Yes I agree 💯, However let me tell you how passing can be frustrating from my experience. As a 12 year once I got the idea in my head to try to pass as a boy, nothing was going to stop me. I was thrilled with my new hair cut and how easily it was pulled off wearing my brother’s clothes because he was only 21 months younger than I.

The thing that I hadn’t thought about was others people and their reactions. I thought I was really pulling it off and I was happily make faces in the mirror at my cute boy 😍 😂 self.

I just showed up among friends that way, easily got into the basement past Billy’s mom who had forbid girls in the basement.

I had heard Billy playing his drumset outside in the yard many times when Kelly, Joe and I walked by his place on the way home from school. I wanted nothing more than to see this drumset for my own eyes. Really I wanted to play them. But I was far too shy to even mention it.

There was also a drumming group at Sherman Multi-Cultueral Arts our grade school, all though it was African drumming I signed up for. I had been the only “girl” who signed up. My older sister had a Conga so I had been playing that on the porch at home.

In any case one night I managed to go down into the basement with the other boys and right past Billy’s mom.

I had past as a boy. I was very very nervous however 😬.

Billy’s and these boys of course didn’t let on but of course there was a reason girls weren’t allowed in the basement. It had been for my own protection, and I had no idea what these boys were planning, who knew I wasn’t a “boy”.

Everything was going fine I was sitting on a couch, Billy played the drums, and the boys were all singing U2 songs. Then out of no where one of the boys turned off the lights during the song “In the name of love” and Billy kissed me. This was my first kiss from a boy.

I don’t remember how I got outta there exactly what happened that night. But the next day didn’t go so well.

I rode my bike over to Noah and Matt’s House with Kelly and My brother Joe to meet up on the weekend like we always did. And Billy was waiting for me and obviously they had been talking about me.

He said “so, why did you cut your hair like mine? Why you trying to look like me. I saw you signed up for drumming at school, your going the only girl in the class, you know if you liked me why didn’t you tell me, you can’t go around looking like me, you’ll make me look gay, you are a much prettier girl with long hair.”

At that point I didn’t know what to say so I rode home, and cried in the bathroom.

The next day I started wearing makeup and trying to jazz up my hair to look more girly. And that is how I started dressing so flamboyantly, it was less embarrassing believe it or not. My flamboyantcey followed though my adolescent. Not one person ever asked “why does your brother wear so much make up” as I had imagined.

To my young mind, at that point transitioning wasn’t an option, just some silly stunt I tried to pull in my youth. However recently talking to my doctor about this incident, I learned this is gender dysphoria. And maybe there’s a way back to myself 😉 and I can drop the flamboyant act.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton