I had just had the flu of 2019. And been to the doctor at the El Rio Clinic in Tucson AZ, who is now finally helping with my transition ftm as a genderqueer person. I have been going over the consent forms to start Testosterone for transgender patients.
There was a cute boy in our friends group and I cut my hair like his, and but on my brothers clothes. However this attempt remains one of the all time biggest embarrassing moments of my life, when the boy I modeled my self kissed me “my first kiss from a boy” and then confronted me in front of our friends, he called me out for “trying to look like him”. And that I’m much prettier as a long haired girl. And I fell for it. I gave myself over. I started wearing makeup which I hate.
I wanted to say something about “passing”. I came across another person’s post on Instagram saying “passing is a privilege”
Yes I agree 💯, However let me tell you how passing can be frustrating from my experience. As a 12 year once I got the idea in my head to try to pass as a boy, nothing was going to stop me. I was thrilled with my new hair cut and how easily it was pulled off wearing my brother’s clothes because he was only 21 months younger than I.
The thing that I hadn’t thought about was others people and their reactions. I thought I was really pulling it off and I was happily make faces in the mirror at my cute boy 😍 😂 self.
I just showed up among friends that way, easily got into the basement past Billy’s mom who had forbid girls in the basement.
I had heard Billy playing his drumset outside in the yard many times when Kelly, Joe and I walked by his place on the way home from school. I wanted nothing more than to see this drumset for my own eyes. Really I wanted to play them. But I was far too shy to even mention it.
There was also a drumming group at Sherman Multi-Cultueral Arts our grade school, all though it was African drumming I signed up for. I had been the only “girl” who signed up. My older sister had a Conga so I had been playing that on the porch at home.
In any case one night I managed to go down into the basement with the other boys and right past Billy’s mom.
I had past as a boy. I was very very nervous however 😬.
Billy’s and these boys of course didn’t let on but of course there was a reason girls weren’t allowed in the basement. It had been for my own protection, and I had no idea what these boys were planning, who knew I wasn’t a “boy”.
Everything was going fine I was sitting on a couch, Billy played the drums, and the boys were all singing U2 songs. Then out of no where one of the boys turned off the lights during the song “In the name of love” and Billy kissed me. This was my first kiss from a boy.
I don’t remember how I got outta there exactly what happened that night. But the next day didn’t go so well.
I rode my bike over to Noah and Matt’s House with Kelly and My brother Joe to meet up on the weekend like we always did. And Billy was waiting for me and obviously they had been talking about me.
He said “so, why did you cut your hair like mine? Why you trying to look like me. I saw you signed up for drumming at school, your going the only girl in the class, you know if you liked me why didn’t you tell me, you can’t go around looking like me, you’ll make me look gay, you are a much prettier girl with long hair.”
At that point I didn’t know what to say so I rode home, and cried in the bathroom.
The next day I started wearing makeup and trying to jazz up my hair to look more girly. And that is how I started dressing so flamboyantly, it was less embarrassing believe it or not. My flamboyantcey followed though my adolescent. Not one person ever asked “why does your brother wear so much make up” as I had imagined.
To my young mind, at that point transitioning wasn’t an option, just some silly stunt I tried to pull in my youth. However recently talking to my doctor about this incident, I learned this is gender dysphoria. And maybe there’s a way back to myself 😉 and I can drop the flamboyant act.
I feel like this is the most “passing” version of myself to date. I certainly didn’t mind chicks digging on me in public. But people still call me mama, yeah not that passing. And of course there’s my 1st soprano voice. still need work on my clothing choices. Being small and only 4ft 11. Not alot of actual men’s sizes available to me.
Andie's experience 